Civility in the Workplace

Bullying is a very complicated issue.  We have seen it in the news lately with the Miami Dolphins suspended a player who was accused of bullying.  Most people are aware that it goes on, most people believe it is a problem and a good deal of people are unsure what to do about it.  Most companies or agencies have some of the same issues as any other workplace and each has some unique challenges.  Regardless of what is going on, what I believe and what we know does and does not work in addressing these issues, they are not easily solved.  It is my goal to give you some statistics, share some ideas and hear about some of your challenges.  What I hope you will leave here with are some things to think about. Think about what’s going on in your workplace, how do you contribute to it, how do you work toward solutions and what new things can you try. 

68% of employers surveyed think bullying is a problem

9% of Targets think Management view bullying as a significant problem

76% of Targets think Management sees Bullying as IRRELEVANT

http://www.workplacebullying.org/

Bullying in general is not illegal in the U.S. unless it involves harassment based on race/color, religion, national origin, sex, age (over 40), marital status, disability, sexual orientation/gender identity, Veteran/military status or any other protected class.

What can we do? 

•      Educate Employees on Professional & Respectful Behavior & Company Code of Conduct

•      Have Clear Policies that have zero-tolerance and anti-bullying guidelines

•      Train Supervisors about how to intervene

•      Encourage witnesses to report any incidents immediately.

Kathleen Bartle, Conflict Consultant, Kathleenbartle.com, says:

Bullying and abrasive behaviors are deep-seated problems. Many behaviors are unconscious. Most aggressors are unaware of what they are doing. Even those who seem to be deliberately choosing a target for bullying behavior may not realize how aggressive they are. Without a full intervention by a qualified conflict expert you should expect that the behavior will continue. So, what about dismissal?

My recommendation is that you should not dismiss someone for behaving in an aggressive or bullying manner until you have had an intervention that has some likelihood of success. Warning, ignoring, cajoling, etc. are not among them. You need a good investigation and evaluation of the situation. You need a model for evaluating the aggression that takes into consideration various factors including: the culture of the organization, character disorders, poor management styles, biases and prejudices of the aggressor, and awareness of how the behavior is described by the aggressor. Without this information you can expect to have a problem that will fester until someone is fired, quits, hurts him or herself, or someone files a lawsuit.

Difficult Employees: How to Manage

What do you consider the most important quality in a manger who successfully manages employees, especially the difficult ones? I believe role modeling healthy behavior is a key component in every successful manager’s repertoire.

 There are lots of examples of problem employees. Two books I would definitely recommend on the subject are Managing Difficult People by Marilyn Pincus and Managing Government Employees by Stewart Liff. Getting to know your employees, knowing what their strengths and weaknesses are, treating each employee as an individual and knowing how to balance motivating your employees and advocating for them are all a part of successful management.

Let’s look at role modeling healthy behavior and each of these components as it deals with problem employees. If you act out when you don’t get your way, if you collude with your employees against your boss or the company, if you lose your temper and communicate in inappropriate ways, then you are not role modeling healthy behavior. I have been appalled at how many employees, I supervised, were afraid to talk to me because they had a former supervisor who yelled at them on a regular basis. If this is you, then your quest in learning to deal with employees needs to start with you dealing with your own issues.

Anybody who has ever supervised has probably encountered the brilliant employee who can deal with, fix, figure out, network like no other employee you have ever had. We have also had that same employee with such a bad habit that it keeps us awake at night. Do you get rid of that employee? Probably not, but you may need to figure out a way to deal with him/her so that you don’t lose the rest of your employees. This is where treating each as an individual comes in.

Depending on your company, agency or set-up, there are usually certain guidelines which each employee has to abide by. Aside from those, there is usually lots of room to be creative and find out what perks fit for each employee, what motivates each employee and what is an acceptable level of performance, quota, behavior, separately but equally.

If you have a difficult employee, or two, I encourage you to check out the books I have mentioned and try to implement some of the ideas I have shared. I wish you success.

Holiday Spending Tips

I work as a counselor and see Employee Assistance clients.  One of the things I offer is help with finances.  Tough economic times, tight finances and difficulty managing money can have an effect on your overall well-being. 

With the holiday season just around the corner, I wanted to offer some tips to keep from going into debt or further into debt with holiday spending.

·         Spend Within Your Plan

·         Plan Your Shopping

·         Shop With a Buddy

·         Scrutinize Your Gift List

·         Look For Alternatives

·         Go Debit

·         Pay Bills Early

·         Start Your Shopping List for Next Year

If your finances are already out of control, you might want to get your spending under control.  The first thing you might want to do is track your spending.  You can do the envelope system, keep it on paper, much like a check register or use one of the many apps available. 

Next you want to develop a Spending Plan.  Karen McCall, in her book, Financial Recovery, introduced me to the concept of a Spending Plan.  She likes this term instead of a budget, because it offers you freedom.  With a budget, some people feel too constricted, like someone else is deciding for them.  With a spending plan, you decide how you will spend your money.  If you have financial goals, you can set your spending plan so that you can reach those goals. 

If you need help with getting your finances in order, you can  visit Consumer Credit Counseling’s website, talk to your CPA or Financial Planner.  

Track your spending, figure out where your money is going and then develop a plan so that your money goes where you want it to go.  This is a tough thing to do, but it is necessary so that you can achieve some control and freedom over your finances.

Once you have tracked your spending you can establish that spending plan, including how much you have to spend on holiday gifts, parties, decorating, etc.  You either want to keep from accumulating debt and/or keep your debt down.  Start now, setting aside cash in an account to cover your holiday spending. 

Spend within your plan.  Sticking with a spending plan is hard.  Allow yourself some wiggle room, but set limits, and decide a dollar amount that you won’t go over in spending.

If you are going shopping, start with a plan:  where you will go, what you are shopping for; maybe even do some comparison shopping online or over the phone.

When shopping, go with someone else.  Someone else can often be the voice of reason and help you to avoid over-spending.

Revamp your gift policy, especially for the people over 21.  Does everyone need a present?  Are there alternatives?  Don’t be afraid to bring this up because others may be under the same pressure you are and may be trying to keep spending in check.

  

Think about drawing names, setting a spending limit.  Do you have a talent and can you make gifts for people on your list?  These are often welcomed because you may have a talent that they don’t have.  Some examples are Cooking, woodwork, crafting, etc.  Suggest to a close friend that you don’t exchange gifts, but wait until after the first of the year and do something special together.  This will be especially welcome if it is something both of you want to do but are on tight spending plans.  Are there second-hand alternatives for gifts? Things like a family heirloom, a refurbished antique piece?  Let your imagination take you a creative place.

Go Debit:  By using your debit card, you avoid carrying around cash and you avoid incurring debt.  Be sure to stick to your limits and track what you spend so that you don’t spend the mortgage money that will be withdrawn from your account at a later date.  You want to avoid any overdraft charges.

Start your shopping list for next year early so that you can watch for good deals all year round.

If you have used your credit cards, pay the bills as soon as they come in, if possible.  If not, pay as much as you can and put it in your spending plan to avoid other non-necessities until those holiday bills are paid. 

I have mentioned Financial Recovery.  Another good book on this subject is Spent by Sally Palaian.  

HOW ARE FINANCES RELATED TO SOMEONE’S OVERALL WELL-BEING?   

We know that finances and emotions can be closely tied.  The Substance Abuse & Mental Health services administration has put out a publication “Getting through Tough Economic Times” complete with 

·         Possible health risks

·         Warning Signs

·         Managing Stress

·         Getting Help and

·         Suicide Warning Signs

Studies also suggest that sad people make poorer financial decisions.  If you recycle through getting in and out of debt, it may be time to work with someone on looking at your Relationship with Money.

 

Whatever your issues with money are, the best thing is to start.  Start looking at how you spend your money, whether or not you make enough money to pay for your obligations and whether or not you can adjust what your “necessities” are.  Use the resources we have talked about or enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member.  Start gaining freedom over your finances today. 

My Opinion on Homosexuality and Gay Marriage

I usually keep quiet on political issues.  I do this for several reasons.  The most important reason is I just don’t like political debate and I tend to have intolerance for those with differing political views.  The secondary reason is what I do for a living:  it is important to keep neutral so that people will feel comfortable, either in a therapy session or in our retail store, no matter what their beliefs , lifestyle or sins happen to be. 

However, I can no longer keep quiet.  What my opinions are may not be popular in Oklahoma and beyond.  Those who know me well, however, know that I am not known for saying what’s popular or for keeping my opinions to myself. 

If I thought that I ever benefitted from someone believing that I agreed with their beliefs that potentially discriminate against people whom I hold near and dear, I could not live with myself.  So, here are my opinions about homosexuality, gay marriage and businesses that publicly espouse ideas that feed hatred and discrimination. 

First of all, if you are against gay marriage, then I suggest you do not marry a gay person.  I see no reason to take that much of a stand on the issue, except to say, I can’t imagine an argument against a loving committed partner in a relationship being entitled to the legal status that comes with being married.  I invite anyone to tell me how this could affect me negatively. 

I do support freedom of speech.  When that freedom invites others to be divisive, hateful and promote discrimination, then I will not support the business that espouses that hate. 

I am a Christian, though at times I question whether Christian beliefs fit with my view of the world.  I am no Bible scholar, so I offer the article by someone who is.  “What the New Testament Says about Homosexuality”  http://www.westarinstitute.org/Periodicals/4R_Articles/homosexuality.html.  Read if you care to, I believe it offers a learned opinion on the subject. 

I believe being a Christian means being loving and kind, even to those who have beliefs that differ from mine.  I believe it means supporting others who are loving and kind.  In my opinion, gay marriage supports this. 

If you believe that gay people are diabolical and evil, then you do not know the gay couples that I know, some of whom are the best parents I’ve ever encountered.  That may not have given birth to those children, but they do something, that in some ways is nobler, they are foster parents and adoptive parents to children whose birth parents have abused, abandoned or given up on them.  If you believe that gay people need God’s intervention, then pray for them.  Ask for God’s will to be done and then leave it in God’s hands.  That is what I will do for those who promote hatred of any of God’s children.  

Compassion Fatigue: Caring for the caregivers

From www.healthycaregiving.com

Caring too much can hurt. When caregivers focus on others without practicing self-care, destructive behaviors can surface. Apathy, isolation, bottled up emotions and substance abuse head a long list of symptoms associated with the secondary traumatic stress disorder now labeled: Compassion Fatigue

While the effects of Compassion Fatigue can cause pain and suffering, learning to recognize and manage its symptoms is the first step toward healing. The Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project© is dedicated to educating caregivers about authentic, sustainable self-care and aiding organizations in their goal of providing healthy, compassionate care to those whom they serve.

This site has numerous resources we have found for caregivers working in many professions. The Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project© also offers original training materials, workbooks, and texts through our parent organization, Healthy Caregiving LLC. Please visit the new site at:

www.healthycaregiving.com

What is Compassion Fatigue?

Studies confirm that caregivers play host to a high level of compassion fatigue. Day in, day out, workers struggle to function in care giving environments that constantly present heart wrenching, emotional challenges. Affecting positive change in society, a mission so vital to those passionate about caring for others, is perceived as elusive, if not impossible. This painful reality, coupled with first-hand knowledge of society's flagrant disregard for the safety and well-being of the feeble and frail, takes its toll on everyone from full time employees to part time volunteers. Eventually, negative attitudes prevail.

Compassion Fatigue symptoms are normal displays of chronic stress resulting from the care giving work we choose to do. Leading traumatologist Eric Gentry suggests that people who are attracted to care giving often enter the field already compassion fatigued. A strong identification with helpless, suffering, or traumatized people or animals is possibly the motive. It is common for such people to hail from a tradition of what Gentry labels: other-directed care giving. Simply put, these are people who were taught at an early age to care for the needs of others before caring for their own needs. Authentic, ongoing self-care practices are absent from their lives.

If you sense that you are suffering from compassion fatigue, chances are excellent that you are. Your path to wellness begins with one small step: awareness. A heightened awareness can lead to insights regarding past traumas and painful situations that are being relived over and over within the confines of your symptoms and behaviors. With the appropriate information and support, you can embark on a journey of discovery, healing past traumas and pain that currently serve as obstacles to a healthy, happier lifestyle.

Many resources are available to help you recognize the causes and symptoms of compassion fatigue. Healing begins by employing such simple practices as regular exercise, healthy eating habits, enjoyable social activities, journaling, and restful sleep. Hopefully, the information on this website will be of use to you and help you jump-start your process.

Accepting the presence of compassion fatigue in your life only serves to validate the fact that you are a deeply caring individual. Somewhere along your healing path, the truth will present itself: You don't have to make a choice. It is possible to practice healthy, ongoing self-care while successfully continuing to care for others.

© 2012 Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project. All rights reserved.

Do You Want to be Right or Do You Want to be Happy?

I can't take credit for that phrase, have heard it for years in the arena of couple's counseling.  But I have been thinking about it a lot lately.  It has so many applications in our lives and, I think, many times we fail to consider its implications.

It is the same basic principle as "don't sweat the small stuff" when it comes to being in a relationship.  Those that we are in a relationship with do things that annoy, mystify and infuriate us.  We need to learn to separate out the annoying from the infuriating and need to know when to leave the mystifying as a mystery.  We are not always going to understand the other person.  We do not have to always like what they do.  We may disagree on occasion, but if we point out every mistake that they make, we may end up alone.  And, even if you are right about an issue, your method of communicating it to the other person and your inability to let it go, may make you and the other person more miserable and not solve a thing.

In any situation you have to ask yourself what the goal is.  Is the goal to win a fight, resolve an issue or conflict,  mend a friendship, build a relationship,  end a relationship?   What you want out of the conversation dictates how you approach it.

Whatever your goal, remember the words you choose, the tone you use, the volume, the eye contact is all a reflection of you.  By always treating others with respect, you show them and you utmost respect.  After all, being respectful is the first step in being respected. 

As always, I'd love to hear from you and what works or doesn't.  If you are in need of a speaker or would like to enter into counseling, please visit www.jeaniejones.com for more details about my practice.